Hello old people from Google, thanks for coming. You’re about 45 minutes early and we’re not open yet but have a seat and we’ll get started shortly. There’s tea over there with some medicated honey for our early bird wake-and-bakers. Hey! Stop pouring, Stanley, that’s your third cup and I’m not explaining Tinder to you for the thousandth time.
Hello all, welcome to Perfect World dispensary, where the budtenders are always knowledgeable and friendly, the prices are fair, and the product is amazing every time! We technically don’t exist, per say, but until full realization of the dream dispensary occurs, Marijuana.com is here to help make your weed shopping experience a little easier.
Let’s face it, walking into a “retail cannabis establishment” (in my gristly grandpa voice) can be intimidating for first-time shoppers. While those of us with medical marijuana cards have been enjoying the freedom of legalization for years, it’s important to realize that many people across the country are buying legal weed for the first time.
It’s cool, we got you.
Here are some pro-tips to help you avoid a terrible dispensary experience based on my extensive personal experience with the matter.
What is a dispensary?
A dispensary is one of those “retail cannabis establishments” I mentioned earlier. Do not, under any circumstances, go to a dispensary at times when people are getting off work — especially on a Friday. Studies (that I have performed by looking at my own bank statement) show that you will spend roughly 75 percent more on weed products after waiting in a stressful line for extended periods of time. Instead, look for shops that run early-bird specials, you’ll get a discount and more quality one-on-one time with your budtender.
“What can we help you find today?” your budtender will probably ask, to which you’d most likely point them toward your desired flower, concentrates, edibles, or topicals.
If your budtender’s follow-up question is, “How much are you looking to spend today,” or anything like that — run. Well, maybe that’s a little extreme. Just ask for another budtender. You might have to wait in line again if you go somewhere else. But your budtender is there to be a source of knowledge in your search for healing and relaxation, not just ring up people’s purchases. You’ll know you’ve found your soultender when they ask you questions like “what hurts” or “do you really care about making it all the way to the end of the movie?”
Flower: the original cannabis product
The strain game is complicated. Instead of picking your strain by which trending topic it may have been named after (which tells you nothing about its genetics), ask your budtender which bud is the freshest and may best meet your goals. They’ve usually gotten something in that day or the day before, and you can smell the difference. If you go by which strain has the most THC or some other factor, you could end up with some flower that’s been sitting for a while and lost most of its trichomes, anyway.
Skip the pre-rolls, fam (that’s what we call our friends). Unless you’re picking up a premium preroll like a Bearwood blunt or something reputable with some grassitas to its name, they’re just not worth it. It’s mostly trim and shake from cheaper strains. The shake from good weed will typically get sold or used to make edibles. That’s why that free first-time patient deal joint you got tasted like Trash OG. Ask your budtender to swap your free pre-roll for some flower instead, might get lucky. Keep in mind some states restrict dispensaries from handing out freebies, so this tip might not apply to you.
Flavorful edibles do exist
While we’re on the topic of taste, you have to be so careful with edibles. A lot of companies are out for a quick buck and clearly don’t care about quality or end-user enjoyment. It’s important to find a few brands you like that taste great and have consistent dosing. The first step is asking if the edibles you’re buying were made with infused butter (or coconut oil, ghee, or any other infused fat) rather than shatter. Some companies are really just tossing grams of shatter into their cookie batter expecting their chocolate chip goodies to not taste … weird, for lack of a better phrase.
If a shop has homegrown flower you love, ask if they make their own edibles, too! You’ll probably enjoy them just as much and they’re usually cheaper than brand name products.
Concentrate your concentrate budget
Tread very lightly here — it’s very easy to overspend on wax. First, terms like shatter, badder, budder and crumble only refer to the texture of the concentrate. And there are a lot of terms. You can read up about them here. Lots of fads and trends drive up cost on products that are in effect very similar to one another. For instance, some shops sell crumble at a discount compared to shatters because that texture looks less appealing, but crumbles pack a lot of flavor and are versatile. You can easily add crumble to a joint, blunt, dab it, put it in a portable vaporizer. Ask for your favorite strain in a crumble, enjoy some savings, and be amazed at how much easier it is to work with.
Some concentrate products are worth the higher price tag. Live resin retains much of the flavor and essence of its source flower because it is processed into concentrate before it cures, a delicate process that results in amazing extracts. Flower rosin is premium-grade as well, the pure solventless oil squeezed from cured flower under a hard-press machine. If you’re looking at higher ticket items like live resin or flower rosin, ask your budtender if they have any that are “sugared up,” meaning they’ve oxidized slightly and their consistency has changed. While shops typically don’t advertise discounts for past-its-prime products, many offer them if requested. While your sugary surprise may not look as pretty as it did off the production line, it sure tastes just as great and won’t hit your pockets quite so hard.
Alright, we’re closing up shop, Stanley, you’ve been sitting there staring at the ice cream freezer since this morning.
Until next time, hit the comment section with your own pro-tips for your fellow shoppers.